Them And Us...

8 years out from my first miscarriage, and I have no children. I don't have a baby. I haven't even been able to get pregnant.
For eight years now, I have been sitting on the side lines, patience waning. And ever since DH and I got married, questions have been coming in thick and fast;
"When are you going to have kids?"
"Have you got kids of your own?"
"Not long now til' kids of your own?"
"Are you planning to have a family?"
"Are you trying to get pregnant."
These are just a few of the questions I have been asked by complete strangers, friends and even family. As someone who is a repeat pregnancy loss survivor, with no children to show yet, this is heartbreaking.
Whenever I am asked, I smile, and I quickly say " We aren't actively trying, but would be happy with a surprise!". But deep down, I know I cannot say the honest truth.
That I am a mother.
That my babies died.
That I am praying my body just accepts a pregnancy.
That I just want a baby.
That I feel left out.

I am eight years down the road from my first pregnancy, and almost all of my friends are parents. Even the ones who have gone on to have a baby after a loss.

Meanwhile, my group of childless friends is shrinking more as each day passes. My facebook feed is filled with pictures of newborns, of babies, toddlers and kids.

Mine is filled with pictures of food. And my cat.

And that breaks my heart.

I have a feeling I will be waiting for a long while. So while you are complaining about lack of sleep, about teething, about school fees, I am waiting.

Just wishing I could even experience a sleepless night with a baby, or the terrible two tantrums. I didn't get to see Lily start school- she'd be 7 next month, and in year 1 at school. Be still my heart.


Please don't forget about me. I am here, I hurt. Please don't put me into the category "Well, you don't have children, so you just.don't.get.it." I don't get it- but its not my choice.

Please don't forget me.