Sticks and Stones

This week at work has been challenging. A student shared some information with me about their life, which brought up a lot of memories for me. After years of bullying at the hands of classmates, and devastatingly, "friends", I began to hate myself, inside and out.
I hated what I saw, I hated who I was. I struggled to understand what I had done to deserve to be told I was " so ugly, I should kill myself".
Not only did I stop eating, which caused me to lose so much weight that it has affected my fertility in the long run, but I also fell head first into self harming.
Even today, I have five visible scars on my upper forearm. They are from the last time I ever cut myself. Weeks after my first miscarriage, when I lost Lily.
Only in certain light are they even visible, but to me, they are glaringly obvious.
I am not ashamed of my coping mechanism of that time, I am not ashamed, as they prove that I have survived what some cannot.
What seeing those scars does do is bring back memories of being so alone, in so much pain, so confused. It makes me fill ill that people had caused that pain, that I let them get inside of my head and break me.
What makes me sad is the fact that I was too proud, and too strong to seek support from my friends.
My best friend when she found out, she cried. I can remember getting angry at her, for being upset for me. It wasn't that I wanted to kill myself, I just needed an outlet for the rage, the pain and the sorrow.
What makes me angry is the fact that people simply do not realise that words can hurt. Words can ruin lives. Words ruined my childhood.

To prevent one child from feeling this is something I do in my job, to be able to encourage my students to share their feelings in a safe environment, and to not have to face being bullied at least for 60 minutes while they are in my class.

Please, if you are a teenager reading this, realise that to you, they may be words, but to others, those words can have a lifelong affect.

I still don't feel deserving, even as a married woman with a career, a home and well and truly on my way to my 30's.

Because of some words.